There's a ghost in my lungs
by whenthemarshmallowmettheslayer
Summary: A series of non-linear conversations where Haise learns about his past, how he became who he was, and people that Kaneki loved. (Or Haise time travels to the beginning of Tokyo Ghoul.)


Her blonde hair was in a tight bun, a few shades darker than-

The needle pierced Haise's cornea and slid further into his eye. He has had worst: a Mado punch, the Orochi's kicks, are the first to come to Haise's mind, but he knows there are things that are in his mind that he can't recall. Yet that doesn't stop his heart from racing in his chest, like a frightened rabbit's, and his lips from mouthing numbers against the mask that keeps him from voicing them; no, from screaming them.

The doctor took the needle out of him once the rc suppressors were released. She didn't hurridly tear the needle out of his eyes like the last one had and for that Haise was thankful. So thankful in fact Haise momentarily forgot the subtraction he'd been doing to recall that thank you joke he had read a while back that he'd never been given the chance to use. His lips moved to form the words only to remember what he had forgotten: huh, that's right, there was mask on him to keep Haise from bitting.

Because of that Haise hoped his eye could convey what his words could not at this moment. Hopefully the bleeding wouldn't prevent it.

[\\]

The mouth by his ear was wet as his wrists and ankles; blood dripped onto Haise's ear as the voice whispered to him, interrupting his counting, "Haise."

The voice is no longer as muffled as it once was. That, along with hearing it, made Haise feel more fear than that what was being inflicted on him could.

Kaneki retreated from his space only to walk to Haise's front, the bulbs yet to blossom were softly trampled on by the ghoul who then leaned forward, knees bent, and his hand was just below touching Haise's glasses. There were shackles on Kaneki's hands but it was Haise who was imprisoned.

"They're going to die because of you," and it's those words that for the first time Haise feels something akin to guilt begin to inch upon his conscious. He's still afraid though. (Arima is here but he isn't here - not here for Haise and that, Arima being there if he lost control and can't come back to Haise, is something Haise took comfort in along with fearing. A fear that had kept him up, staring blankly at the banana poster or the ceiling, even after he has finished reports.)

Despite his fear and knowledge of how dangerous his past self is Haise is not blind or rather he's not willing to turn his eye to way Kaneki's human eye broke at his words (at his fears of his family dying). It was like watching a coffee cup fall to the ground because of clumsy hands. The shards, Haise knew in absolute certainty, were going to cut Haise. Perhaps Kaneki would make him bleed until there was nothing left of him.

Kaneki removed his hand from Haise's cheek. He leaned further down to pick a hyacinth and that had blossomed underneath Haise.

Without a word Kaneki slid the purple flower in Haise's bleeding eye; perhaps there might be soil there after all. Haise awoke to his grandfather staring at him from the side of the glass Haise has always been on.

The only reason Haise knows the man - the investigator - before him is Mado's grandfather is because of a photo he'd seen in her house when Haise had visited to feed Maris Stella while Mado had been forced to stay overnight at the hospital.

The very sight of him makes Haise feel anger despite who the man is to someone he loves. The anger is like a weed threatening to strangle him; briefly Haise can't help but wonder when did it become hard to separate Kaneki's feelings from his own (a word, symbiosi, pops in his mind but Haise doesn't have a dictionary or access to google to look up what it means).

(Later when Haise is alone but by his mind that isn't even his own such thoughts will not be brief as much as they will be all consuming.)

"I have some questions for you," the elder Mado tells him. It's fact, a statement. He's not asking if Haise will answer his questions.

Despite the anger Haise (shouldn't) feel he smiles nervously at man; the smile is a lie because he is not happy despite finally being home or rather what is to become to his home. Haise would have his chin pressing into his palm if his hands weren't bound.

Mado smiles back at him. It's such an ugly sight and something in Haise, a person born from the ashes of a man who became a monster, wants to yank every single one of those teeth just so Mado can bleed, so the man can choke to death from his own blood.

The feeling is gone as quickly as it came.

* * *

A/N: If you want more stories or quicker updates check (if this is a multi chapter fic) out youngjusticewriter on ao3.

1.) I've been sitting on this story for a while now debating rather or not I should post it and if I did what/where I was going to go with it. Eventually posting it won.

2.) I love the flower symbolism in Tokyo Ghoul even though I never before took an interest in flowers and their meanings. I researched flower symbolism not only for this fic but also since it was obviously significant during Kaneki's torture scene.

Purple hyacinths mean sorrow and I am sorry which is meant to show the change that has occurred since Kaneki was tortured and saw white carnations (purity). While the flower doesn't transform into it the white carnation is stained with blood which could be a reference to a striped carnation which mean regret that love is not shared (Kaneki's mother/Rize). Then the carnations all transform into a spider lilies which are thought in connection with death since they are grown near or in cemeteries in Japan.

Interesting thing about carnations is that Diana (Artemis) tore the eyes out a mortal in a fit a rage (I read two different reasons why) and from them the flower was bloomed. Then there are the hyacinths that were created by Apollo who rather have Hyacinth, his dead lover, be a flower than have Hades claim his soul.

Sorry about rambling. I just found the symbolism/myths behind the flowers interesting.


End file.
